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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2007.07.22  23.15 weirdness ive been in a pretty depressed state lately. nothing in paticular, just little things, which mount up. i just feel like im going around in circles and never getting anywhere. im still not over my ex getting let off from court, they must think i made it up or something, but i didnt, the shit i use to go through was horrible, im still getting flashbacks. Every now and then i feel like he's there, in the room with me, coming up behind me, then holding me down. i can hear him shouting at me, the fear i had when he was in one of his moods. Its amazing how much it has effected me, i thought i use to be a very strong person, but was i? i use to think that because i was keeping it all together, and not telling anyone, and noone found out, that that made me strong, it made me a survivor, but it was sheer stupidity, i blame myself all the time for not telling anyone at the time, and still, only a few close people actually know.... so why didnt i tell anyone?... because i 'loved' him. i wanted to stand by him, and help him get better, the amount of times he told me he'd get help, and i believed him was unbelieveable, i must have mug written accross my forehead, i was scared of him, he told me what would happen if i told anyone. i had nowhere to go, no close friends at the time, id often run away at night, in the middle of winter, and sleep under the stars. but he'd always find me. he knew i was scared of the dark, so wouldnt go any further than where the street lights finished. one time when i refused to go, he knocked me out and had to carry me back, 3 of his friends were there, he told them all that he thinks my drink got spiked the night before and it was a delayed reaction. i was terrified. he was the first person ive ever loved, and he done that to me. what if the next bloke does it? people say not all men are like that, but at the end of the day you never know whats happening behind closed doors. i have got on with my life from a social point of view, but not emotionally, i wont have boyfriends, i wont get close to anyone, because im scared it will happen again, i have met so many decent blokes who promise me the world, but you can never be sure what a persons really like, until its too late. hes got another girl living with him at the moment, shes 17, goes to college, i hope to god it doesnt happen to her, but ive done all i can, ive tried to egt something done about it, but noone believes me, noone believes that i was scared to go to bed at night, i tried to insist that id sleep downstaires in a chair, but i;d physically get dragged up the staires, and locked in the bedroom until the morning. id sit there crying and shaking, and he'd come over and put his arms around me, and because of what hed just done, id need someone to hug, to hold me, but there was noone around but him. i'd try alsorts, going to bed with 2 pairs of trousers on, sleeping on the floor, sleeping top to tail, but nothing worked, and then id go into school the next day, and revise for my GCSE's, do my coursework, in my last year my attendence went down to 33%.... and they didnt think there was a problem? all the meetings we went to about my attendence, had his family there, i could hardly tell them the truth, its amazing how i still managed to get B's and C grades, if only all that other shit wasnt going on at the time, i could of got my life properly sorted out, but, i guess, its just another hurdle to jump, this is just a proportion of my shite life, im suprised im not dead already to be quiet honest, ahh well, im just wondering what shit ive still got to come. Mood: okay

	2007.01.16  19.19 urgh..... this year has tierd me out already! so much is going on, and ive got so little time its unbelieveable, so many people have been relying on me, and im trying to my best to help everyone, but it really is stressful! we've got the re-launch of sja cadets tomorrow, which should be great fun, hopefully we'll get loads of new members. just a word of advice, stay away from me w/c feb 11th, it really is going to be a stressfull week, and so many things are going on, and so many changes are going to happen, im getting stressed just thinking baout it! Mood: sleepy

	2006.12.29  21.46 been really busy in the run up to xmas, which is why i havnt posted for a while, sorry! as always, didnt have a quiet xmas, but it wasnt too bad i guess. ive seen my ex a few times, which isnt so good. a girl from work, i dont really talk to her much, but i treated her when she had an asthma attack once, and we say hello every now and again, we, she walked up to me the other day, and said, 'oh, i seen you ex the other day', and thinking it was a diffrent one, i said, 'oh right, which one?' and she said, 'the one who works at the garage' at this point, my jaw drops, she doesnt know either one of us very well, so how did she know he was my ex? so i said 'oh, what did he say' and it turns out, it came up in conversation that she worked in morrisns, and he said, oh right, my ex use to work there, and he said who i was, then he says, yeah,.... im out on bail atm, and told her why! almost as if he was proud of it! what a fucking prick, when she told me that, and asked if it was true, i was gobsmaked i was ready to go over to his work and knife the cunt. wtf is his problem? on a lighter note, ive now booked my theory test, for mid febuary, so id better start revising. ive been wanting to leave again lately, so, ive decided ill wait til i pass my test, and actually find somewhere to live, instead of sleeping on peoples sofas which is what normally hapends lol i went out and got really really drunk last night, and woke up at 4am freezing cold and a bleeding nose, god knows what id been doing!

	2006.12.02  19.03 ok, maybe i can be a bit of a drama queen last week or so has been good, i spose, ok, its been pretty shite, but, theres no point in getting arsey about it. im really really skint atm, i paid for 10 driving lessons with a new instructor... yes, another one! lol, they keep telling me they're fully booked. i also paid for my theory test, havnt booked it yet though. i joined a gym as well, that was expensive. lol, im usually too knackerd from work to go though! i cut my hand really badly the other day, really i think it need stitches, but i was too tired to go to hospital, so i slept for the next 17hrs, lucky i didnt bleed to death really. works been ok i guess, the assistant manager has really been getting on my nerves.im looking for another job as a care assistant. we also get dodgey customers come in asking me for sex!?!?! Mood: cold

	2006.11.23  12.44 why im so pissed off: well, for starters my ex got arrested yesterday, should be a good thing right? well, now because im such a sissy, i feel bad!!!!, yes, i actually feel guilty about him getting arrested. i loved him to peices once, id of happily given my life for him, a part of me is feeling bad cuz i didnt stick with him and get him help. he's getting on with his life now, and i go and get him arrested!, ok, so he deserves it, but.... urgh nobody gives a fuck about anything anymore, i feel like ive got my own little bubble and im living my own little world, i guess its my fault cuz ive shut so many people out. i feel like running away again, i know its not the most maturist attitude i can take, but it just seems so much easlier. everything that ive been through, ive done it on my own, and come out the other side, but it just seems like a vicious circle, i get over one thing, and something else happens, whats the point in living a life like this?... ive got a huge urge to hurt my self again, which im trying so hard to ignor, ive got so many scars on my arm, i dont think i can convince people i fell over any more! im also not drinking as much, which is great but i just need a release for my anger and frustration... theres noone i wana talk to about it, it doesnt help, only makes me more upset thinking about stuff. i also need somewhere to live, me and my mum have never seen eye to eye, and shes really getting me down. to say ive got suicidal thoughts would be an understatement, i dont wana live my life on my own, i want someone i can share it with, but, ive got so many trust issues n stuff, urgh, its just so complicated, no bloke in his right mind would go out with me, im just too much effort, hmmph! im 18 years old ffs, nobody even knows the half of what ive been through. and nobody gives a shit Mood: confused

	2006.11.19  23.06 i've had to work all weekend, which is really crap :( had quite a good day, we had loads of looney customers come in work, which was quite funny. the police lady phoned me, and told me kyle phoned them, and he is going to go to the police station on wednesday so that they can arrest him, she told me that she wasnt sure weather or not he knew what he was being charged for. im working a late shift wednesday as well :S everything else ok though! Mood: good

	2006.11.17  19.22 i got up late this morning, someone turned off my alarm clock, or i must have done it in my sleep. got to work on time though. it was just an ordinary day.... i was on the tills, but then i looked out onto the forecourt... my ex pulled up, with someone else behind him. i asked someone to take over on the till for me, and i went out the back into the managers office, she was sat with her back to me chatting to me, she didnt realise, until she turned around. i was crying, shaking and had tuned white. she asked me what was wrong, i told her he was outside. they sat on the forecourt for about 10 mins, then came in and bough some oil, i was told to stay out the back, they went bk outside, then, 5mins later, they came bk in, to return the oil, sat bk outside for a few mins, then left.... he didnt actually see me, i dont think, but then they kept driving up and down the road outside, whats guna happen if next time i dont realise he's there until hes in the shop? wtf is he doing in morrisons petrol station, when he works in a diffrnt one? Mood: worried

	2006.11.15  17.22 they went to arrest my ex yesterday, but he was out so they couldnt, but they said they'll be trying again, im not sure when though. i would love to see his face when they tell him he's getting arrested. hehe been quite a quiet few days. had a few muppets come into the petrol station which was quite funny, we ended up having to get security lol. we had a shop lifter in the main store who turned violent. i burnt my mouth... i was eating sumut a bit too hot, and now i got blisters all over the roof of my mouth :( an old mate i use to live with got in touch today, it was good to catch up, and im glad things are working out for him, the last time i seen him we were hiding under a subway waiting for the police to arrive because we was getting chased by his ex land lords... who only spotted us in the 1st place because he ran across the road when i told him to hide in the hedge! tut, blokes never listen! Mood: happy

	2006.11.13  19.21 omg im soo tired! and was late for work this morning :\... but i didnt really mind ;) ive spoke to a few people about the situation with my ex, and they all say pretty much thesame thing, which is not to worry about it until it actually happens, and not to put myself in situations where i might be more at risk. ive told my manager at work, i had to really cuz ive been really attitudy with everyone, and i know they dont deserve it, and i felt bad, so i had to give them an explanation, so i told my manager, not the whole story, butthe bits she needed to know, and it was really good talking it through with her, she seemed really confident that i am capeable of standing up to him, and she was really supportive, she told me the petrol stations the safest place to be cuz of all the locked doors and panic buttons n stuff, so that made me feel a little better. its really weird who i actually choose to tell stuff to, im not the sort of person to go asking for help with my problems, and very few people i will actally talk to about it face to face, hmmm, it must be my sub conscious choosing certain people or summut lol. ive had a really good last few days :) but i got a bad throat :( Mood: tired

	2006.11.12  20.59 hey! i am suprisongly calm, and happy, im in a reat mood, eventhough i know that in just a few days i will be beaten the shit out of, but hey theres no point in worrying about the inevitable. i went to a memorial parade today, which made me feel a real part of the community. right, my ex is getting arrested this week! wow! im sure everything will turn out fine! Mood: happy

	2006.11.08  13.28 ahhhh! ok i've just signed my statement i am physically shaking they're going to phone me when they arrest him.... i need a hug :( *ahem... i mean... i dont need a hug, i can do this on my own. Mood: sick

	2006.11.08  00.35 hmmmmm people are interesting things arnt they. diffrent ways to which people react to a given situation is very interesting. do you think that everybodys decision would be influenced, on a sub conscious level, of something which has happened to them in the past? i supose the way people were bough up would have a huge effect on the decidions they make, and since everyone has a diffrent back ground, we would all react diffrently, or maybe some poeple would rebel, on a subcosncious level, to the way they were bought up, and not even realise it.of course the age of that person would have huge effect, and the mentality. or maybe we just use the past experiences as an excuse? please excuse me jiberishness, im really tired. had a good past few days i spose. well, apart from becky being a cow. but ive caught up with a few old mates, so that was good. dont you just hate it when something happends,that you wanted to happen, but, subconsciously, didnt want to happen? then afterwards, you realise why, and wished you were more in touch with your subconcios side. Mood: tired

	2006.11.02  20.05 went ok today, i was took to thornbury police station. it is hard, bringing back all the memories, almost as if im re-living it, but its ok, i know its got to be done. went shopping this morning and got a few preasents. didnt really do much else, just chilled out all day. i sent off for some photos to be developed the other day, and they arrived today, so it was good looking through them. Mood: content Music: the girl next door sound track- david grey

	2006.11.01  22.17 had a good past few days, been on early shifts al week, they've been killing me. nothing really exciting has been happening, i done a phase test at work, and only got 2 questions wrong, which is really good. tomorrow afternoon, im being picked up and took to the police station to make some adjustments to my statement before i sign it, and then ill sign it, and then my ex will be arrested, and then he'll be let out on bail, and then he'll come after me. hmmmmm i told my mum sort of about what happend, she, didnt really care basically, and didnt even ask why i've reported him, oh well. i took my lil sis to the hairdressers today, and shes got lovely straight hair now, shes really impressed with it, which is good. i'll let you know what happens tomorrow. Mood: tired Music: true colours- eva cassidy

	2006.10.29  10.11 hehe, you'll have to excuse my drunkenness from the last post! things arn't too bad i guess, ok, theres loadsa things going on, and loadsa people being a bit of a pain, but its ok, i'll get over it... i've been thinking about going on a diet again... but, ive just ate a packet of crisps for bereakfast, so i guess ill start it tomorrow! oh, its only 134 calories, so i could just count that as one meal. havn't heard from the police, and havn't heard from my ex, so all must be good in the world, i did hear from sam though, the fucking wanker, he got someone to pass a message on for him, what a tosser, you can be asured that i passed one back as weel :) Mood: content

	2006.10.25  21.45 things have taken a turn for the worse. i new it was too good to be true, i was dealing with things really well, untill i got in touch with sam again, a really really good friend i use to work with him, and he was the only one i told about my ex, when i was still with him. well the police said they'd want to talk to him, because i havent got any forensic evidence, basically the verdict would depend on who i told n stuff like that. well, i got in touch with him sam, and he basically said, why should he bother doing anything for me, because i never done any favours for him, and i hadnt been in touch for a while, so why should he help, and he doesnt wana get involved with sumut that wasnt any of his buisness. this was a hole argument by text, i was soo upset, what very small chance i had of my ex going to prison for what he done, had just got even smaller. im not a mean person, i'll go out of my way to help someone, i have the best intensions, i have a smile on my face, eventhough i feel like shit inside, and this is the way people repay me? is it really worth it? ive been through so much in the first 18 yrs of my life, im not sure if i can cope with anymore, is the rest of it going to be this hard? what the fuchk have i dont to deserve it? why me? Mood: confused

	2006.10.24  18.56 blimey, i am sooo relieved thats over! ok, its still a long way to go, but i think the hardest parts done. we ended up goign to chipping sodbury police station, and she'd never been there before, so we didnt know our way around, it was quite funny really, people asking her who she was, and she'd say from the SATs team, and theyd be like, who? and shed yell, sexual assult team, this convo was being yelled across the police car park, then all the coppers looked over to see whats happend, was quite embarrassing. lol. she is really nice though, and made it really easy for me to talk about things. we made up a statement, and she's going to see me on sunday to ask me stuff she might of forgot, and for me to sign the statement, then he's guna be a rrested, and let out on bail, which im really not looking forward to- but its gotta be done i guess Mood: thirsty

	2006.10.24  13.06 lmao, i done a personality disorder test: Disorder Rating Paranoid Personality Disorder: High Schizoid Personality Disorder: High Schizotypal Personality Disorder: Moderate Antisocial Personality Disorder: Moderate Borderline Personality Disorder: Moderate Histrionic Personality Disorder: High Narcissistic Personality Disorder: High Avoidant Personality Disorder: High Dependent Personality Disorder: Low Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Low -- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

	2006.10.24  11.25 second thoughts right.... i've been thinking ive got to go and see the police women again tonight, and we're guna make up a statement, but is it worth it? ok he's a complete wanker and doesnt deserve to be alive, and he might do it to someone else, but its going to be like im re-living it, then, when i sign my statment, and they go and arrest him, and then probs let him out on bail, i am going to be so jumpy, and scared to go anywhere on my own. on the other hand, if i carry on without anyone knowing, i dont think im guna get over it, its been ages since it happend, and im still not over it, and i think as a result of not doing anything about it, i did start driking all the time, and self harming, which isnt good, so maybe this is the only way to get over it... i spose it would be better long term to go through with it... Mood: calm

	2006.10.22  17.00 not as bad as i thought i spoke to a lovely police lady, and we have decided that even though theres f all evidence, its worth giving it a shot. i am seeing her again on tuesday, and we're going to go and have a really big chat, and make up a statement. Mood: happy

	2006.10.21  17.41 i been to the weston enduro today, and it really was amazing, it really does get your adreniline going, having to stand in the middle of a race, treating someone, and having loads of bikes jumping over a hill at you, its brilliant. shame i couldnt do it tomorrow as well. but ive got work and then a police womens picking me up from work. omg! i was standing at a bus stop yesterday, and my ex drove past, and i seen him at the bottom of the road turn round and come back.... and then! he asked me if i wanted a lift, my jaw physically dropped i shook my head, i couldnt even bring my self to say anything, and he said fine and drove off. Mood: sleepy

	2006.10.19  14.28 gRRRRRRR well, they couldnt make it in the end, because something came up, someones now picking me up from work on sunday night. i seen my ex today. shat me right up, i was convinced he knew ive reported him, well, i think he does, so that was a bit of excitement, i havnt seen him for weeks, and all of a sudden he comes outa nowhere:| hmmmmm im not sure weather to go to weston tonight or not,or i could just go down friday morning, well, ive gotta see my dad really so id better go down tonight. Mood: anxious

	2006.10.18  21.36 Right, tomorrow is the big day! its going to effect the rest of my life what the copper says, if i dont post again, that means my ex has found out that i reported him, and im lying in a ditch somewhere lmao. hey, more evidence i guess! i actually feel physically sick about tomorrow, and ive got a headache, god knows what im guna feel like tomorrow morning. but hey, ill get though it, ive been through worse! i had a sja meeting tonight as well, i always like going to them, makes me feel sane for an hour or so, lol. its a great bunch of people though, and a good night out.ive just been told where im guna be stationed at the weston enduro, im guna be on the beach, i am really looking forwards to it, but i think the nerves are getting the better of me. but it should be great fun! mood: hungry, tired, nervous, excited, happy and ill

	2006.10.17  18.20 Wow, just had a conversation with my brother i really wish i didnt have to have. but he didnt push me to tell him what actually happend, which is good. just been out jogging, its a great way to burn off some stress, ive got no energy to be stressed now! its amazing how far some people can push themselves for sports. when i was in the treatment centre when the bristol half marathon was on, some of the people i had to treat were really unwell as a result of pushing themselves too far. some people were disorientated, some completely lost control of their bowls, others had bleeding nipples. there was even one person begging us not to make him run again! it really is amazing what some people would do, ok some were doing it for charities, but others were just doing it for the sheer hell of it, or just to get a medal...but i got anyways cuz there was some left over lmao. ive just relised what day it is.... then what day it is tomorrow. then when its tomorrow it will be thursday. :| Mood: there isnt a icon for knackerd

	2006.10.17  16.15 i watched miss congeniality today.... the next thing i knew i was on the avon and sumerset police force website filling out an aplication form to join, lmao. good job i wasnt watching leon! Mood: happy